“How was your day?” Is this a question you ask your partner everyday when you see each other after work? Most of us ask this question, but is the conversation that follows a meaningful opportunity to reconnect? Most likely, you are not maximizing the opportunity as well as you could. One common issues in relationships is feeling disconnected from your partner. This can lead to arguing more often, losing patience more quickly, beginning to focus more on the negative than the positive, among other things.

However, something as small as a daily check-in can help get you back on the path to feeling more emotionally connected. Relationship expert, John Gottman has provided some guidelines on how to make that conversation a way to reduce stress  and reconnect with your partner at the same time. Here are the guidelines he has set for the conversation:

1.  Invite your partner to tell about their day. This is more than just a one word, “Fine,” and you move on. Your partner should feel they can vent for a few minutes and then you switch and you get a turn to talk as well.
2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. All of us have probably been guilty of this at least once. Try to seek to understand your partner first and they will feel more validated.
3. Show genuine interest. This is time to focus 100% on your partner. Be fully mentally present. This means eliminating distractions like phones or TV.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let you partner know that you understand what they have told you.
5. Take your partner’s side. By taking their side, you will help them feel you are being emotionally supportive.
6. Express a “we against others” attitude. Try to help your partner feel you are a team.
7. Express affection. Show some kind of affection to your partner: giving a hold or holding their hand is often effective.
8. Validate emotions. Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with your partner, but that their emotions make sense to you.

When you give your partner your full attention and let them talk about their day, they will feel loved, valued and connected to you. When you are aware of the positive things or the struggles that happen in their day, you will be able to feel a deeper level of connection with them. Try to go beyond the details of the day and pay attention to the emotions your partner felt. Recognizing the emotions will enable you to empathize with them even if the two of you have very different daily experiences. If you follow these guidelines, your daily question: “How was your day?” will mean much more.