Does it ever feel difficult to find time to nurture your marriage amidst the hustle and bustle of life? You are not alone. The trend in our society seems to be moving toward adding more and more things to our schedules. Whether it is taking care of the kids, work commitments, driving the kids to the sports practices and music lessons, volunteer responsibilities, school, etc. Just thinking about it all makes me tired!

So how do we make marriage a priority while not neglecting our other responsibilities? Dr. William Doherty, a well-known marriage researcher, suggests daily couple rituals as a simple means to make each other a priority in a marriage relationship. I suggest them to couples I work with in counseling all the time because they improve the emotional connection in a marriage. Couple rituals are social interactions that are repeated, coordinated, and significant for both of you. They may not be convenient, but they are essential for healthy emotional connection. Here are 5 simple rituals:

1. Talk rituals: Set aside 15 minutes each day for un-interrupted talking time. Let the kids know that it is mom and dad time, and unless they are bleeding profusely, don’t let them interrupt. It can actually be very healthy for kids to see their parents having healthy communication. Make sure you are not folding laundry, checking emails, or anything else that would distract you from paying attention to each other. Don’t talk about logistical issues such as who will take the kids to soccer practice tomorrow. Think about the type of things you talked about when you first got together – talk like that. I recommend you set a specific time (such as right after dinner, after you put the kids to bed, etc) to ensure that it happens every day. If one of you travels for work, talk by phone.

2. Greeting rituals: Anytime one of you returns from being gone for more than an hour or two, stop what you are doing, give each other a hug and a kiss, tell each other it’s great to see you. It won’t take more than 10 or 15 seconds, but it will help nurture your relationship. If you need ideas, think of how a dog reacts when you come home. They stamp their feet and spin in circles. You have no doubt the dog is happy to see you. Wouldn’t it be great if you got that excited to see each other?

3. Departure rituals: Making sure you always say goodbye with affection. This is similar to the greeting rituals. Shouldn’t we all be sad to say goodbye to our spouse? Show it. Tell them you love them.

4. Message rituals: I suggest you try to send some kind of nice message to each other every day. You could leave notes for each other, text each other, send cute emails, write on each others Facebook page, etc. Be creative.

5. Sleep rituals: Go to bed at the same time. This is not the same as going to sleep at the same time. I bring that up because couples are always using the excuse that one likes to go to bed later than the other, or one works the night shift. If one of you wants to stay up after the ritual, that is fine. It his healthy for a relationship to have a ritual that ends the day together. It could be as simple as having 5 minutes to connect again at the end of the day, give each other a hug and a kiss, debrief the day, and let each other know you love each other.

If you are not doing these things at present it may feel a bit contrived at first, but that’s ok. Give it time and it will start to feel natural. Doing all of these things will only take a total of about 30 minutes a day. They will be 30 minutes that really count for your relationship because you will be making your relationship a priority. If you don’t think you have the time, make it. It will be worth it in the end.

It was a typical day in my couples counseling practice. I listened to a heartbroken spouse tearfully share her pain regarding what her husband had done. She just discovered he had been cheating on her for the past 6 months with one of his old high school girlfriends. “How did this happen?” I asked the husband. He began to cry as well. He talked about how he didn’t understand how it happened. He mentioned making jokes with the woman on a social media site one day when he saw her post something humorous. From there he described a tale of secrecy that moved to full-blown sexual indiscretions. His wife found out because he left his phone on with one of her messages loaded.

Later on in the day I listened to a husband begging his wife to give their relationship another shot. She looked coldly at me and said they have been in a loveless marriage for years and he should have seen it coming. She told me of when she connected with her co-worker through a social media site and began to feel excitement she hadn’t felt in years in their marriage. “That is what a relationship is supposed to feel like” she expressed, describing feelings of excitement, lust, and infatuation from a new man. She rationalized away her behavior and blamed her husband for not being better at meeting her expectations.
As if two relationships on the verge of collapse, fueled in part by social media, were not enough for one day, I heard another couple bickering as they walked down the hall toward my office. I braced myself for the task of calming a fighting couple likely steamed by something that happened in the car on the way to the appointment. I found out that he disclosed a number of private issues between he and his wife on his social media profile wall for all the world to see. Yet, he didn’t seem to realize at the time he posted that such public disclosure was a bad idea.

These fictional examples illustrate typical types of issues I see come through my door on a daily basis. I don’t want to suggest that every client I see has problems resulting from social media, nor do I want to suggest that only those with issues as severe as infidelity benefit from counseling help. Many clients I see are not dealing with issues as severe as infidelity but social media has driven a wedge in their relationship. It is not atypical to have days full of client appointments much like those described above. Five years ago social media was only occasionally mentioned as more of a teen fad by my clients coming for help in reaching their teenagers, rather than an integral part of their own relationship issues. Today, social media is creating mayhem in many marriages. Couples are finding themselves careening down a slippery slope of texting, chatting, posting and creating often intimate connections unsuitable for their marital status.

Infidelity in all its forms (from emotional infidelity to full-blown sexual affairs) is extremely damaging to relationships. It also seems to be on the rise. I would estimate that about 40% of my client load in recent years has been with client couples trying to overcome the damaging effects of infidelity. Despite its prevalence, I can count on one hand the number of cases of infidelity I have seen in the past 3 years that did not involve social media in some way. I often sadly jest that Facebook keeps me in business.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Couples should be faithful. Faithfulness helps make successful lasting relationships. Yet, it has become easier and easier with the advent of a host of social media outlets such as Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google+, MySpace, YouTube, Twitter, and others. Now nearly everyone carries some sort of phone, tablet, or laptop with immediate access to one of these sites available at the touch of a finger. It can easily be done in secret, making infidelity so much easier that it was even 5 years ago.
Technology is changing the way people interact. Even when social media websites were beginning to pick up speed, they did not have near the impact that they currently do on human interaction. People can interact with hundreds, even thousands of people from across the globe with the click of a button, tap of a few keys, or the recording of a video on a smartphone. One could argue that nothing has had such a profound impact in such a short time on social interactions in the history of the world as social media has had in the past decade. It could be compared to the advent of the telephone, yet sweeping at a rate incomprehensible to previous eras of time. Social media has a seat at the table in most homes in many parts of the world, and it is only a matter of time before it extends even more staggeringly in its reach. Such integration in daily life begs the question: What is this finger-play of contact doing to may marriage?

Eight Questions to Help You Consider the Impact of Social Media on Your Marriage
Let’s discuss 8 common questions I am asked by couples that relate to social media and its potential impact on their relationships. You can consider which of these questions are relevant to you as you decide if and how to utilize social media so that it doesn’t detract from your relationship and so that it may even complement your marriage.
Questions:
1. Is social media causing distractions in my relationship?
You should consider three things when assessing if social media is causing distractions in your marriage.

• (1) You need to rely on each other for support. If social media friends or networks are taking the place of your relationship, there is a problem. Discuss the issue with your spouse and see what they want and need from you. Adjust your social media usage to accommodate.
• (2) You need to keep you spouse as your first priority. If your spouse feels that social media or social media friends/connections are a higher priority to you then you should really evaluate if social media is worth using. If you have had a situation where your spouse has felt second to social media, he/she will be increasingly sensitive to those issues in the future.
• (3) You need to keep your emotional connection strong. Make sure the emotional connection you have with your spouse is always a priority. If you maintain very healthy emotional bonds and you maintain good daily, weekly, and yearly traditions to support those bonds, using social media may not be a problem.

2. Is it possible to be addicted to social media?
It is possible to be addicted to social media. There are three important questions you should consider to see if an addiction may be present for you or your spouse:

• (1) Do you or your spouse have impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning due to your use of social media?
• (2) Do you or your spouse spend more time using social media than you intend, or does your use of social media continue to increase?
• (3) Do you or your spouse have difficulty controlling your use of social media?

If you answered yes to all three then an addiction problem is very likely and you should avoid any use of social media. You should also seek professional help to overcome the addictive tendencies. If you answered yes to one or two of them, then you should probably also completely avoid using social media. Addictions should be taken seriously and none of the potential benefits of using social media will outweigh the negative ramifications experienced as a result of a social media addiction.

3. Is it appropriate for me to interact with someone I am attracted to through social media?
I generally suggest you don’t even touch this one with a ten-foot pole. If you feel an attraction to someone, simply avoid them. Don’t friend them, don’t talk to them, don’t send them pictures. Any benefit from viewing their profiles or interacting with them will never outweigh the negative ramifications on your marriage relationship. Just stay away from it. This is a slippery slope that pulls good people down all the time. Infidelity is a dangerous prospect and social media makes it much easier to fall into. Don’t ever minimize or hide things. If your spouse is jealous, make sure you respond and discontinue anything that may make them feel that way. If you are jealous, speak up.

4. How much information can I disclose online?
Always keep your relationship status where you know your spouse wants it. Make sure you really know what your spouse is comfortable with before disclosing anything. Don’t embarrass your spouse. Also, make your in-laws look good. It is no one else’s business what struggles you may have with your spouse. Keep that information private. Make sure you are both on the same page regarding what will be shared and what will not be shared.

5. Has social media contributed to trust problems in my relationship?
If there has been a trust violation or infidelity in your relationship, you will likely experience these three phases of emotions (Olsen et al., 2002):

• Phase 1: Roller Coaster. You may feel extreme emotions that cycle rapidly. You may feel out of control and all you can see is relationship problems.
• Phase 2: Moratorium. Following the extreme emotions you may experience an emotional shut down to avoid the pain. You may want to recruit the support of others for support. You may also push to find out everything about the trust violation. It is important to know what happened, but seeking to know every single detail can become too consuming.
• Phase 3: Trust building. Only after the previous two phases will you even want to explore the possibility of forgiving and rebuilding trust. This is normal. Do everything you can to be patient. Ask the offending spouse to apologize in this phase. Apologies won’t mean anything to you until phase 3.

6. How do I discuss my concerns regarding social media with my spouse?
Due to the wide range of opinions regarding social media use and the sheer number of different social media outlets, you should expect that discussing social media use may be met with some level of friction in your relationship, especially if problems have occurred. As you talk through things the goal should be to come to a comfortable agreement with your spouse about social media use. As you present your thoughts focus on sharing three things:

• (1) The underlying emotions you feel regarding social media (e.g. fear, jealousy, insecurity, etc).
• (2) Share why your opinion is so meaningful to you (e.g. you have a friend who’s spouse was unfaithful, or privacy is valuable to you).
• (3) Help your spouse understand your emotional needs regarding the issue (e.g. a need to feel that you are more important to your spouse than social media).

As you communicate, don’t focus on trying to agree with each other. Rather, focus on helping them understand your thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to agree with each other to compromise, however, you do both need to listen and respect each others feelings.

7. Can social media be helpful for me or my marriage?
Despite all the risks social media can pose, benefits can be found from its use. Discuss these with your spouse and find ways to make social media help each other and the relationship. If one of you needs some additional social skills in the digital realm, utilization could be helpful. If you, your spouse, or both of you need some other outside support that should not or cannot be met in the relationship, you may consider reaching out to others. If you need help with your self-image, consider how social media may help you. If you want to maintain friendships social media can help you keep in touch. Most important, if you decide to use social media, use it to emotionally connect with your spouse.

8. So, is it ok for me or my spouse to use social media or should we avoid it?
I have offered a lot of ideas that should help inform your ultimate decisions regarding social media use. Yet, the most influential factors should be what is in the best interest of your marriage and the feelings of your spouse on the issue. If he/she is comfortable with your current use, than you are probably ok. If not, find a way to align your usage with his/her desires. If you using social media sites, let your involvement reflect what you and your spouse have discussed and determined is best for your marriage.

Go and find your spouse right now and talk through all the thoughts you have had reading this article. Make plans together to help ensure that you and your spouse will always have a loving, committed, faithful relationship. As you do, avoid any semblance of thinking “what’s in it for me”. That type of thinking will quickly lead you down the slippery slope. Always put your spouse and your spouse’s feelings first. That’s what you committed to when you married him/her. You promised you would put him/her first. If you ensure you always put your spouse first, you can experience the true joy of being married while avoiding the slippery slope of social media. If you focus on what’s in it for you, you may be all you have left.

Do you feel like you are the only one trying to save your relationship? This can be such a difficult feeling. Ideally, relationships can be mutually beneficial. However, like most that come to see me for counseling help, relationships can become mutually frustrating or destructive. Committed couple relationships are hard work. When you are with the same person for an extended period of time you become very aware of all their weaknesses. In fact, it could be said that couples know more bad things about each other than anyone else in the world, yet, they are supposed to love each other more than anyone else in the world.

Learning to accept these weaknesses and love the other in spite of those weaknesses offers a great opportunity for growth in a relationship. Things can be even better if both focus on improving those weaknesses for the benefit of the other. However, if you are the only one trying to accept the others weaknesses and improve your own, you may begin to feel exhausted in the relationship. Can you relate? This can be a very lonely feeling. One of the biggest challenges in resolving relationship problems is getting both partners equally motivated to improve things. If you feel an imbalance, give me a call. I would be happy to help you explore what could be done to help both of you do what it takes to reach the mutually beneficial relationship you want.

Do you ever feel like your partner is not listening to you? Do they always think they know better? Nearly every day I have someone ask me why his or her partner won’t listen to them. Feeling heard goes a long way in relationships. Often even if opinions differ, feeling heard can help bring peace and respect to the situation. Do you feel like he/she doesn’t listen to you? Give me a call. I can help the two of you figure out how to feel heard and respected on even the most friction-filled issues.

I am often excited by the coming of a new year. It seems to motivate many to make improvements in their lives. The most common new years resolution that seems to permeate is regarding weight loss. It is certainly a worthy goal to keep yourself in good physical health. I suggest that you consider what weight you may be carrying in your relationship. Does it weigh you down? If so, what better time to try to shed that stress than now? Couples counseling can be immensely successful if both partners are motivated to improve. Resolve to shed the weighty stresses in your relationship today and get some help from a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Happy new year!

If you were to identify your top ten priorities in your life in order of importance, what would those be? Or, if you are filling this out as it relates to your spouse, what do you honestly believe they would list as their top ten? You could include things such as work, children, spouse, church, volunteer work, hobbies, self-care, use of social media, time spent with friends, watching television, caring for family members, school, and many others.

Now, imagine I am a fly on the wall that could observe your day to day activities, or the activities of your spouse.  If I did this for two weeks I would get a fairly accurate feel for how priorities are handled on a daily basis.  What would I list as the real top ten priorities based solely on my observations of your behavior or the behavior of your spouse? Be honest and list what you think my observations would be.  It can also be helpful for you and your spouse to complete this list about each other as well

Are the lists the same? I would be surprised if they are.  Most have good intentions and priorities are simply not reflected in the reality of stressful day to day life.  There are just not enough hours in the day.  However, I suggest that the behaviors most accurately reflect your properties.  The behaviors are the priorities you decided to actually make a priority and put to action.

I try to respect that everyone is unique and has different needs.  Assuming that to be true, one would suggest that the best priority order cannot be easily generalized.  If the goal is simply to respect individuality, then the argument may be that there should not be a best way to prioritize.  However, in the interest of maintaining healthy relationships, I believe there is a best way to prioritize.  The simplest way to do this is to always put your spouse as your number one priority.  Period.

This does not mean that your spouse gets more of your time than anything else, because work demands, parenting responsibilities, and other things may often take more of your time.  However, research has consistently shown that people who make their spouses their number one priority are much less likely to have marital relationship problems.  This then has a ripple effect on all involved, including children.

Do you and your spouse go out on dates? If so, how frequently? If not, why? One of the most common things couples stop doing over time is regular dating. In counseling, I generally ask couples if they go out together. I am often met with a laugh, or some comment about how that stopped when they had kids. So, this begs the question: Is dating really necessary for healthy marriages?

In my professional opinion, the answer is a resounding YES. I am not trying to say that couples who go on dates regularly are guaranteed to have a healthy relationship, nor am I suggesting that dating is the solution to all marital problems. However, dating provides and excellent forum that can foster healthy emotional connection – a necessary ingredient for healthy relationships. That is why they are so important.

Early in your relationship with your spouse, did you date much? I imagine so. You wanted to spend time together, and life was simpler then – making dating more manageable. You likely fell in love as you dated, resulting in a marriage commitment. You wanted to be with this person you were dating all the time. The trouble is, now you may not be dating that person anymore. Yet, you fell in love be use of the dates and one on one time. If dates worked to help you fall in love in the first place, they can be instrumental in re-kindling or maintaining that love long-term.

Does it count as a date if you just get in the car, look at each other and say something like: “well, where should we go eat?”, or “well, let’s just go to a movie”. My answer would be no. That is not a date. Most couples are not good at dating and courting each other as much as they should. Alone time is less frequent, and romance pales compared to what it was early in the relationship. Effective dates that work for your relationship can help remedy this. If you are great at dating in your relationship, I commend you. Keep it up! If not, here are some ideas that may help.

I have compiled a list of what I consider to be the keys to dates that will work for your relationship:

• Go out every week. I know this can be difficult with crazy schedules, taking care of kids, etc. However, if you really make your marriage a priority (which is necessary to have a healthy relationship), you can find a way to go out. Try to get out for at least a couple hours. The date does not have to be at night if it is difficult to schedule it. You could meet up for lunch  during the week, or go out for breakfast on Saturday morning.
• Take turns planning a date you know your spouse would enjoy. You don’t need to go over the top, but do something you know would help them see you were thinking of them in the planning. This is mutually beneficial because each week you will either be working to help make your spouse happy, or receiving the efforts from your spouse to make you happy. Also, the person planning the date should also be in charge of finding a babysitter.
• Get out of the house. Staying home has too many distractions to really give your undivided attention to each other. It can also provide a healthy break from the pressures at home.
• Engage in emotionally connecting activities. Select activities that require you to engage in conversation, or have some type of interaction. For example, going to dinner requires you to look at each other, and engage in conversation. Going to movies does not provide emotional connection. I like movies, and I am not suggesting you can’t go to movies and still have good dates. However, sitting in the dark for a few hours does not do much for emotional connection. If you do go to a movie, make sure there are a few hours of other emotionally connecting activities in addition to the movie.
• No tech toys. I love my smartphone and tablet computer, but, they need to stay off for dates. Put your gizmos away, and don’t give in to the temptation to check your email, send a text, or call a friend. It can wait a few hours. Give your undivided attention to your spouse.
• Be creative. I imagine you were better at planning creative dates early in your relationship. After all, you wanted to woo your spouse. Well, keep on doing it. You don’t need to spend a lot of money to do this. In fact, one of my favorite things to do with my wife on a date is to go for a drive up the canyon (though this has become a bit more costly in recent years), or just go for a walk in a park.

I am sure there are some reading this article that don’t agree with some of these ideas. If so, I would ask, are your dates doing everything they could to help the emotional connection in hour marriage? I am a huge believer in dating. I have seen it help countless couples struggling with a host of issues, and it really helps my relationship with my wife. Give it a real honest effort. You and your spouse will be glad you did.

Do you know someone that you think may have an addiction problem? Have you told your spouse you think they are addicted? Has someone told you that you are addicted? I regularly have clients come to me for help with addiction problems. However, the individual with the addiction problems typically denies that there is an addiction. So how do you know? What does it really mean to be addicted?

What is an addiction?     

Let’s explore the official word on addictions. There is a book called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). It is the official word in the world today on diagnostic criteria for every diagnosable mental disorder. This manual is used by nearly every mental health and addiction treatment professional in the world. Insurance companies require diagnoses as outlined in the DSM to be provided in order to provide reimbursement for services rendered. Addiction diagnoses are defined in the DSM. Common addictions I help people with in counseling include addictions such as drugs, alcohol, pornography, social media, food, spending money, hoarding, etc.

I typically consider something an addiction if the issue meets the following criteria as outlined in the DSM: (the wording came from substance dependence diagnostic criteria. If you are thinking of some other type of addiction, substitute the words)

(1) the substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

(2) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use.

(3) the substance use causes clinically significant impairment or distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

DSM-IV-TR (American Psychiatric Association)

If you, your family member, or friend meet these criteria, you, your family member, or friend probably have an addiction problem. If you did not answer yes to all three but may have to one or two, or if you still feel there is a problem but it does not quite fit these criteria, help should still be sought to deal with the problem.

What should I do if I have an addiction?     

The best thing anyone can do with an addiction is to seek the help of a licensed professional with experience and training working with addictions. If there are also relationship problem side effects, I would suggest looking for a licensed marriage and family therapist with addiction experience. The key is finding someone that has the education and experience relevant to your particular issue.

I know that some feel there is a stigma associated with getting professional help. I can certainly relate. I am not very good at going to the doctor when I need to. I am lucky to have a caring wife who reminds me that I am always suggesting people get help when relationship or mental health issues are present, so I should get help when I am sick. Licensed professionals can provide objective, educated feedback and ideas that will help you in many ways you may not have considered.

Once you find the right counselor for your situation, attend a sufficient number of times for lasting change to happen. I regularly have clients that tell me they went to counseling before and it didn’t work, only to find out they went two or three times. Many problems like addictions take years to develop. Even the most educated, competent professionals can’t work magic. It may take a while.  I typically encourage most to expect to attend for at least 3-6 months on a regular basis. If you are married, take your spouse with you. You can both get ideas on how to improve, heal, and make sure the addiction remains a thing of the past.

In addition to counseling, there are many things you can do on your own or with friends or family to work on overcoming the addiction. Focus on the positive and negative consequences of the addiction and the positive and negative consequences of quitting. Try making a detailed list together with your friends or family of the positive and negative consequences. This can help bring some objectivity and reality to the situation. What do you have to gain and lose if you stop or continue with the addiction? Is losing your family really worth continuing with the addiction?

Addictions are very serious, and they should be taken seriously. However, don’t despair if an addiction is present or it is brewing. I have seen individuals and couples rally and overcome a host of addiction issues. Addictions become prisons. Overcoming can be empowering, healing, and motivating for all involved. Rally together and work through it. It is possible, and certainly worth the effort.

Here are links to a few of  my recent appearances as a relationship expert on Fox 13 news:

Risks of social media

Long distance relationships

As the new year begins it is common to evaluate our lives and make some resolutions for the coming year. We often focus on things such as losing weight, budgeting better, being better parents, improving your work ethic, etc. Do your new years resolutions include anything about improving your relationship with your spouse? How about your relationship with your family members? What better way is there to make the next year a progresssive one than improving your relationships?