Through actively listening in therapy sessions; many individuals struggle with interpersonal relationships and boundaries. Unless we reside deep in the woods and live solely off of the land, we all must work and interact with others on a daily basis. This combined with the reality we are all unique with diverse attributes, beliefs and perceptions make us each individuals. This can make for some interesting times when it comes to figuring out how to best function in personal and professional relationships. Both a song and a book have been written about, Where I End and You Begin. In all our daily interactions, how can we know when to be assertive, when to quietly endure, and when to show kindness? Individual diversity, as well as the complexity of human nature and relationships, make it virtually impossible to find a one size fits all, panacea type solution. Instead, here are some useful tips on how to facilitate healthy and functional relationships while still maintaining emotional boundaries.
1. Practice recognizing what is inside and what is outside of your sphere of control.
In intimate and close family relationships, this can be a difficult endeavor. In his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey discusses the circles of control, influence, and concern. Additionally, helping to define what is within our absolute control (ourselves), influence (those with whom we have a close, trusting relationship), and concern (the nation or the world at large).
2. Work on the two inner spheres, starting with the center (you).
Once we learn to let go or not become frustrated in relation to others behaviors; we will free up inner resources to use in order to work on one’s self. This can lead to stronger emotional boundaries as we are content to let others have and learn from their own experiences while we do likewise. This can result in a decreased ability to take offense to the actions of others while knowing when to appropriately and assertively push back. One simple tool to assist in establishing boundaries is using non-accusatory language and owning one’s own experience (“I feel” statements rather than “you do”)There are many other tools and approaches to be used, many of which are written in books about relationships, such as the ones mentioned above. A common thread in facilitating healthy relationships and maintaining boundaries is to make sure the emotional foundation is strong in any relationship before trying to use one’s influence. With the right balance of self work and functional communication, one can become a master of interpersonal relationships, rather than a master of disaster.
