As the new year begins it is common to evaluate our lives and make some resolutions for the coming year. We often focus on things such as losing weight, budgeting better, being better parents, improving your work ethic, etc. Do your new years resolutions include anything about improving your relationship with your spouse? How about your relationship with your family members? What better way is there to make the next year a progresssive one than improving your relationships?

As we go through the exciting holiday season, we often get focused on gift-giving. Why not give your spouse and your family the gift of love. When presents are all unwrapped, holiday decorations taken down, and extended family returned home, what is left to last needs to be your love for your spouse. Make a commitment to give them the gift of your renewed love this holiday season. It is a gift that can really last if you let it.

Are you thankful for your spouse this Thanksgiving season?

As we approach the beginning of the holiday season, I gear up for a busy time of couples counseling. There always seems to be an influx of couples coming to see me for counseling help after Thanksgiving and Christmas. These holidays can test family relationships, strain finances, and highlight the lengthy winter that lies ahead. However, couples can combat some of these tendencies and strengthen their relationships through the holidays. One of the best ways is to help your spouse realize how thankful you are for them.

My family has a ritual at thanksgiving dinner. We all go around the table saying all the things we are thankful for. This is certainly an uplifting exercise. However, I think couples can take this a step further by actually showing your spouse you are thankful for them. After all, actions do speak louder than words. My father taught me this often in my formative years. He recounted the wise counsel he received when he was marrisd to my mother. The man performing the ceremony said: “Just because of this ceremony Heidi will not lose her love for roses or her taste for chocolates”. Simple, yet incredibly profound advice. While I am not suggesting that flowers and chocolates are the only key to showing your spouse you love them (though chocolate goes a long way for me), the principle is vital for healthy relationships: you need to keep doing the things that made your spouse fall in love with you. After all, that is who you convinced them you could be. Too often couples stop doing the things that made them fall in love with each other. Are you guilty of such behavior? What better time to recommit to showing your spouse how much you love them than Thanksgiving. Here are several things you could do to show your thankfulness to your spouse (for a printable list of these ideas click here):

-Take her out for a date every week. Take the initiative to find the babysitter.
-Surprise him with a clean house.
-Watch the kids for the afternoon so she can have some time to herself.
-Give him a hug and a kiss each time he leaves or returns home.
-Surprise her by bringing her lunch at work.
-Take care of the kids in the morning so he can sleep in.
-Make her breakfast in bed.
-Take him to his favorite restaurant (even if you don’t like it).
-Keep a dry-erase marker in the bathroom and write her notes on the mirror.
-Ask him to tell you about something he cares about.
-Do whatever you use to do when you were courting her.
Each person may need something different to feel love from his or her spouse. Do you know what would say that to your spouse? If so, do more of it. If not, you may not be showing your spouse how much you love them. This Thanksgiving, will your spouse know how thankful you are to have them? Show them, they will be thankful.

My favorite season of the year is Autumn. I love the colors, the cool evenings, and the feeling that change is happening. Change is not a bad thing. I think the changing seasons illustrate that. There is something I enjoy about all the seasons. Sure, in the winter I often long for warmth. In the summer, I seek some cool refuge. The beauty of it all is that despite change, I know I can find something I love about all the seasons. I love the coolness of the autumn, the beauty of the fallen snow in the winter, the rain in the spring, and the warmth of the summer.

Marriage relationships are like seasons. Change is inevitable, change may be colorful, and change can be wonderful if we allow it. I often hear couples say things like “they are not the same person I married”,  ”since having kids I feel like we are not the same”, or “now that we are empty-nesters, I feel like we don’t know what to do with our relationship”. Changes like these are ok. It makes perfect sense that people change over time. Life changes, and relationships can and should change with them. I am not saying we should find different relationships. Rather, I think we would all do well to embrace life changes and find a way to re-invent our marriage again and again with the changes. That way, marriage will be the hub that helps you weather the seasons of life.

I was interviewed again on KSL Newsradio about this issue. Generally, I think most issues can and should be dealt with immediately. Occasionally it may need to wait until tomorrow if it is too late or too emotionally charging to resolve in one day. For an excerpt of the interview click here.

Research has shown that mental health issues can negatively impact marital relationships. In fact, if mental health issues preceded the relationship problems, you may need to address the mental health issues before the relationship problems can improve. CLICK HERE to download a PDF of the Depression, Anxiety, Stress Scales. If you score above the normal range I would recommend visiting a therapist and or a physician for assistance. Do not take a high score as a diagnosis, rather, as an indication that more assessment should be sought from a competent professional. As a therapist, I am happy to help. Contact me to see what I can do to be of assistance.

I was interviewed again on ABC4 news. The topic was on how technology has made infidelity more common and easier to slip into. Here is an excerpt: http://www.abc4.com/content/news/top_stories/story/Technology-serves-as-gateway-to-infidelity/8zB2IvMy_0GFatxCJwzLHA.cspx

Using time out procedures for kids 1-10 years of age can be effective as long as they are done properly. How long should they be? Parents often tell me they heard it should be one minute in timeout for each year of the child’s life (i.e. 9 minutes for a 9 year old). Contrary to this popular belief, research has shown that 3 minutes is the magic number for effectiveness (for all ages). When kids are in timeout, don’t respond to their tantrums. It is also helpful to be in the same room as them so you can make sure you didn’t just send them to their room to play.

If you are not sure how to punish your child, a good rule of thumb is to make the punishments directly related to the offense. For example: if there is a rule that the kids can only watch one hour of television per day and they break the rule, take away their television privileges. If they are not supposed to ride their bike in the street and they do, don’t take their cell phone away or ground them. It would be better to take their bike away for a time.

How do I forgive when it still hurts so much? How do I get back to how it was before he/she lost my trust? I want to move on, but how do I know if I am ready? How do I control all my thoughts that make me question if I can trust her/him again? These are examples of questions I have been asked in helping people forgive and improve trust. This topic is extremely complicated and addressing it in one article may not be sufficient. However, I hope the tools I outline will be of some assistance to those trying to forgive and trust loved ones again. We often hear the old adage “forgive and forget.” But I have to be honest with you—I hate it. The cruel reality of forgiving others is understanding that we will never really forget what happened. Instead of burdening yourself with the unrealistic responsibility of forgetting, the focus should instead be on finding a way to let it go. Letting go is still extremely difficult, but it is possible. The key to letting go is to recognize how your emotions are guiding your ability to let go. Research by Olson et al. (2002) brought together many years of research on the emotional experience felt when trust is violated. They identified three phases people go through while processing what happened and rebuilding trust. As you read the first two phases I encourage you to recognize that the difficult emotional experiences you may have felt or may be feeling at present are entirely normal given the difficult circumstances. The third phase is focused on rebuilding the trust.

• Phase 1: Roller Coaster. As is evident by the name of this first phase, it is filled with intense emotions that cycle rapidly. It is normal after learning of the violation to feel a roller coaster of emotions. The intensity of emotions is typically directly related to how much you care about the person who violated your trust. If you love the person deeply, the roller coaster may feel more volatile. During this phase the negative outcomes of trust violation are most apparent. Be patient; this will lessen with time. You may feel extreme feelings of anger, inadequacy, self-blame, and fear of the future. You may also experience increased confrontation with the person who violated your trust. Any pre-existing problems in the relationship may be magnified during this first phase. As you weather the roller coaster, expect that it will be difficult to manage conflicting feelings.
• Phase 2: Moratorium. The roller coaster will be followed by an emotional shut down. You may try to close off all the difficult emotions associated with what happened. This is a natural and normal coping mechanism that is trying to remove the pain. You may also want to obsess about the details of the trust violation. This will makes things worse. It is tempting to know every detail, but it can make letting go more difficult. You may also retreat physically and emotionally from the person who violated trust while surrounding yourself with people who care for you. Seeking the help of loved ones in trying to make meaning of trust violation is also common. It is important to recognize that you will never be satisfied with whatever meaning you may make of the situation. The hard reality is that a horrible thing happened; you didn’t ask for it, you didn’t want it, and you didn’t deserve it. Recognizing that will help you move toward letting go. An important note before we move on to the third phase, which focuses on trust building: Don’t feel like you need to rush the process of letting go. The person who violated your trust will likely expect forgiveness much sooner than you feel ready to give it. This is normal. However, it is also important not to drag the process of letting go for too long. There is no clear time period that works for every situation, but most that focus on letting go are able to return to a level of normal functioning with the person who violated trust within 3 to 6 months. If it takes more than a year, letting go may need to be a bigger focus. Stewing for longer than that, in most situations, can make the pain last longer than is necessary.
• Phase 3: Trust Building. Trust building typically does not occur until the first two phases have been experienced. This can be a long and difficult process. It is important to be willing to re-engage with the person who violated your trust. Don’t feel pressure to go over the top all at once. Just share how the experience made you feel on an emotional level. Give them the opportunity to apologize, take responsibility, and show their feelings of remorse. You will appreciate the apology more when you hear it in the trust-building phase. Try to continue opening channels of communication and positive interactions with the person. Replacing the pain with positive, trusting communication and interactions can help you let go of the past pain. It will take time. Research has shown that negative interactions can hold significantly more weight on our minds than positive interactions. It will take a lot of positive interactions to outweigh the pain from the violation, but fostering the positive and focusing on a new fresh start will be extremely powerful if you allow it. Little by little, the positive interactions will rebuild the safety net of trust.

Weathering these phases is not easy. If you feel that you can’t do it alone, seek out professional assistance from a competent marriage and family therapist who has experience working with trust issues. If you live in Utah, I would be happy to help. You deserve to live free of the pain and burden you may feel. The beloved actress Harriet Nelson said, “Forgive all who have offended you. Not for them, but for yourself.” You will feel much needed peace and freedom as you focus on forgiving and letting go. Holding on to the pain allows the negative event to maintain an unnecessary hold on your life. You need and deserve better.